A Smile for your Sunday – The Assault Trial

The Assault Trial
Author Unknown –

At
my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The
judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my
story. 
 
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment,
which I actually kept. I was met with: ‘Hi! I’m Belinda!’ This perky clipboard
carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, ‘All I
need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip
on this gown. Everything clear?’ I’m thinking, ‘Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t
rocket science.’ Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors. 
 
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) to the left and said, ‘Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and
lean in a tad so we can get everything?’ ‘Fine’, I answered. I was freezing,
bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and
neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass)
when we heard, then felt a zap! 
 
Complete darkness and the
power went off! ‘Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.’ Belinda said,
and headed for the door. ‘Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone
are you?’ I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, ‘Oh, you fussy puppy…the
door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right
back.’ 
 
Before I could shout ‘NOOOO!’ she disappeared. And
that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me …
half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite ‘Hi, how’s it going’ type
greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as possible ‘Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.’ ‘You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and
waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery
store. 
 
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, ‘Oh I am sooo
sorry!’ The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I
went to lunch. Are we upset?’ 
 
And that, Your Honor, is
exactly how her head ended up between the clamps…." 
 
The
judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said ‘Case
Dismissed!!’..

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Published in: on March 21, 2010 at 4:11 pm  Leave a Comment  

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