A Smile Every Sunday – The Kids’ Hamster

Just a short note – I’m sorry there was no post yesterday. We went out of town to visit the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. It put me in the mood for some animal humor…

If
you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It’s a long story but
one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take
my son’s hamster to the vet. Here’s what happened:

Just
after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something
wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He’s
just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I’m serious, Dad. Can you
help?"

I
put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey,"

I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed
after a minute. "She’s having babies." "What?" My son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I
was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we
didn’t want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you
want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually
think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

"No,
but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah,
Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it’s just a little hard to tell
on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya
think?)

By

now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience," I announced. "We’re about to witness the miracle
of birth."

"OH, Gross!" They
shrieked.

"Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife
wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

We
peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don’t
appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It’s
breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son
urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I
tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us
through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let’s get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We

drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I
don’t think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb.)

The
vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my
observation.

"Oh,

very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This
hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You
see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um …. er … masturbate, just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron."

We
were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie’s just … just … excited?"! My wife offered.

"Exactly,"
the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my
vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh
loudly!

"What’s

so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.

"It’s just … that … I’m picturing you pulling on its … its teeny
little …" she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That’s enough," I warned.

We
thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I
know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again
collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

 
**I found this joke at http://www.jokesgalore.com

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Published in: on August 16, 2009 at 2:07 pm  Leave a Comment  

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